Random Thought After a Hiatus
I think it should be something that all women should try to achieve. Whether you are happily married with two kids living in the outskirts of a small town or a fierce businesswoman with a lawyer husband.
Given our double-standard society, buying power is the ultimate equalizer. Your husband will not have complete control over you if you have a say on the monthly expenses at home. During untoward marital circumstances, you will not hesitate to call it quits because you have a job and enough savings to feed you and your kids for a year as well as to put roof above your heads. If you can buy a dainty pair of Demi Curves without asking your husband’s permission or for his credit card, you remain a free woman.
I am not trying to desecrate the value of marriage and the partnership that it entails. All I’m saying is that, there is nothing wrong about having money on your own outside the usual “marriage money”. You can use it to fund for family emergencies. And when push comes to shove you can also use the money to speed your way out of the house and stay at a nice hotel to think things through.
Financial independence. Think about it.
The reason why I only tell a few souls about my
marital personal problems is that, I don’t want to make people think that I complain a lot. I have a lot of things in my head and I have more things to say, which is why I make sure that the people I tell those things to are mature enough to know where I’m coming from.
So tonight I had dinner with M. My personal shrink. I asked him how do you handle a person who refuses or is unable to handle stress and pressure in life.
G is like that, you see. He has this tendency to not take sides and just stay inside a bubble, safe and away from life’s complications. Worse, he handles unexpected changes
poorly too seriously. A bad news heard at 8 in the morning affects his entire day, sometimes until waaay passed dinner. And it annoys the shit out of me.
At first I thought it was because of my education, that’s why I handle stress and pressure with a breeze. (Getting out of a premier state university unscathed will guarantee you a truck-load of buffering skills and ammo against all kinds of pressure and stress in life.)
But M told me that perhaps, G lived a really comfortable life than I did. Not necessarily abundant, but free from hardships. That is why the slightest glitch and bumps startle the life out of him. The littlest flaws rattle his cage. He gets easily affected by supposed-to-be minor problems; by no-biggies, because he didn’t grow up in a challenging, bumpy environment. He was so comfortable growing up that he has no idea how to act during uncomfortable, mind-boggling circumstances.
M said that because I’ve been to hell and back, I see the world from a different perspective. I am more aware of the world. G may know about pain, sorrow, guilt, helplessness, and disappointment, but I grew up with them. I know what it’s like to be scared, to be financially unstable, to be lost and confused. He doesn’t. And for that I should be the “better person”.
Perhaps this is the point in your relationship where you should be the one taking the wheel. It is this point in your lives that G is as helpless as D, and you being the “more experienced” adult should be guiding him and taking him on your shoulders. I know it’s hard and it takes a lot, but that’s the way it is. The rules of the game changed when you decided to spend forever with each other, and right now he needs you to make sure that forever happens. This is what M said.
I don’t really mind taking the wheel, but I just hope after a few years G “grows up” and be “the man” that I need him to be as well.
Cross your fingers with me?
Sometimes I wish it’s just the pressure from work that’s keeping you distracted and somehow away from me. I hope you’re just tired from work that’s why you prefer to sit quietly in front on your laptop than to be with me. I wish it’s just your crazy schedule that’s keeping us apart.
I’m not asking you to change. I’m not saying that you’re not doing enough. You will always be enough. But sometimes, I also want to be treated like a princess. Sometimes, I also want to experience things my way. I want to be cuddled, hugged, kissed in the shoulder. I want to be surprised with a bouquet of flowers. I want to find secret notes in my bag. I want to come home and see you bought the book that I’ve been waiting for ages.
I want to feel that I’m special. I want to know that I matter. I want to know that you know I exist. That I have feelings. That I have things in my mind that I wish you would read.
Sometimes I feel that I’ve made things so convenient for you that you are slowly taking me for granted. You no longer take that extra mile; you no longer go out of your way to do things for me. And I’m partly to blame for spoiling you, for always putting your wants and your needs before mine.
But I’m tired of that. It’s always the same cycle. Things hasn’t changed for quite a long time. I need change.
I need sparkle.
For some reason I dumbly decided to open my work email last night before heading to bed. I wish I didn’t.
annoying client sent me a long letter full of complaints. It’s that time of month again when she goes super anal on me (no, not the anal you’re thinking about), noticing every little molecule of flaw that I’ve done in the month. For any other employer, those little things may have been fine. Tolerable, even. But to her, being the queen of OCD that she is, it should be done “correctly” and “right away”.
I am this close to stepping out of my chosen line of work and just stay jobless until I’ve usurped all my savings down to the last penny. Yes, I can do that.
If only I had the luxury. If only I had the balls. If only I wasn’t too scared.
A friend recently showed me her “secret” blog. Secret because like this one right here, it is kept behind the public eye. Being quite in several social circles herself, she also needed some place to air her thoughts to without having to answer to anyone.
There was one particular entry there that struck a chord in me. It was about one night where she found herself crying because of extreme exhaustion
and frustration. In that entry she wished that she had two selves, one she owns and other one exclusive to his son. Any first time parent would understand how challenging raising a child is. Without a nanny and a house help, a mother will easily lose herself in the child-rearing process, literally.
Being a first time parent myself, I immediately knew where she was coming from. Lucky for me I have my mom here in the city as well as the convenience of having a nanny (finally!!) and a house help. But even given those luxuries, I still find parenting a little nerve wracking.
There are also times that I wish I had two lives - one completely independent and carefree, and another that’s nurturing and selfless. That nurturing and selfless ME will be with D all day and all night, while the independent and carefree ME can work without pause and go out with friends without feeling guilty.
Having two separate lives will be a relief for people like me who loves being a mother yet strives for financial independence and a normal social life. I’m not saying that the latter is more important than the former, or that both are of equal importance. I just believe both are essential in staying, you know, sane.